The close of 2013

So we've come to the close of yet another year.  For some reason they seem to keep going faster and faster!  It seems like yesterday my oldest was just born!  Uuummm..yeah that was close to TEN years ago! lol!

This year has brought a lot of "troubles" and circumstances that were very difficult for our family. Along with all the drama that foster care has brought our family, my sister was diagnosed with cancer and not given much hope of living.  We had difficult things with our children too.  BUT GOD....gave us His grace and mercy in each and every situation we faced.  We have been given peace in all things...not like the world perceives peace, but how HE describes peace.  My sister was deemed NED (No Evidence of Disease) on October 4th (Praise God!), Choo Choo's case is coming to a close (in TWO DAYS!!) and God has brought the right people into our lives to walk through all  of it! :)

The other night when I picked up Choo Choo from his visit it was his Aunt who dropped him off.  This is a rare occurrence. I knew she wanted to talk as it was the last visit before court.  I prepared myself as much as I could while we exchanged pleasantries about his visit.  Then it came "So...D-Day is almost here!"  I cringed a bit wondering where she was going to go with that statement.  I am so thankful to say that she and I are on the same page.  I talked about how God has used the insane length of this case to bring me to a place of peace.  All my (human/fleshy) feelings of distaste towards them is gone.  Will we ever be best friends?  Nope...but we don't have to be.  I would miss my boy like CrAzY (!!!) but I know he would be in a place of people who love him and care about him, and will keep him safe. 

She went on and was very complimentary to hubby and I.  She said that of course they want him, but if they couldn't have him that they were glad he was with us.  He is safe, well taken care and taught well.  She said that no matter where they go everyone comments on how smart he is and she gave a lot of that credit to me staying home with him.  I was very surprised and blessed :) 

Court has yo-yo'ed from 9am to 1:30pm and now back to 9am!  I am thankful that it's early so I don't have to be a anxious pacing mama all morning!  As we close 2013 I look forward to all that 2014 has in store for our family!!!  Of course we are praying that it includes the adoption of our 4th son!!! :)

Trauma and how it shows up here

Yesterday we "celebrated" the event surrounding this picture.  Here you see 5 month old Michael and his new foster brothers.  Of course this was 4 years ago and this picture almost seems impossible!  Never did we imagine that 2 years later he would officially be ours :) 

 

While we celebrate this day he joined our family, this day is also very traumatic.  Many people think that children (especially young infants) do not experience trauma in the same way that older children do.  Perhaps in part this is true, but infants can and DO experience trauma and it can effect them greatly!  This was the day he was taken away from everyone he ever knew.  He was taken from familiar smells and places and put somewhere totally new with other little people running around.  Can you imagine what these little ones going through foster care go through?  Stop and take a minute to truly visualize what happens to them. 

 

Young children who experience trauma are at particular risk because their rapidly developing brains are very vulnerable. Early childhood trauma has been associated with reduced size of the brain cortex which is responsible for many complex functions including memory, attention, perceptual awareness, thinking, language, and consciousness. These changes may affect IQ and the ability to regulate emotions.

http://www.ifapa.org/resources/trauma-informed-care.asp

 

When something scary happens, the brain makes sure you do not forget it. Traumatic events are remembered in a special way. They are often experienced as a pattern of sensations with sounds, smells, and feelings mixed together. Any one of these things can make a child feel like the whole event is happening again. These things or sensations are called “triggers.” Triggers can be smells or sounds. They can be places, postures, or tones of voice. Even emotions can be a trigger.

Parenting After Trauma: Understanding Your Child's Needs - A Guide for Foster and Adoptive Parents

 

So for Michael yesterday, there were things happening within him that he had no idea were going on.  He couldn't control his behavior at all yesterday.  He has this laugh...it's not his sweet normal Mikey laugh.  I hate hearing *that* laugh because it means he is dysregulated.  He can't control himself.  Last night proved to be almost as bad as the day.  All night long he cried off and on.  At one point (I'll go into more detail in a minute) both he and Choo Choo were screaming at the top of their lungs and just couldn't calm themselves or let themselves be calmed. 

 

Remembering a traumatic event can cause some of the original “fight, flight, or freeze” reaction to return. This might look like a “tantrum.” It might also look like the child is overreacting. Sometimes anxiety can cause a child to “freeze.” This may look like defiance. A child who sees the world as a place full of danger may do this. Many children who have been abused or neglected go through life always ready to flee or to fight

Parenting After Trauma: Understanding Your Child's Needs - A Guide for Foster and Adoptive Parents

 

Yesterday evening Choo Choo also returned from his weekend visit.  We've had him since 3 days old, but trauma is very present in his life too.  The things that happened in utero are enough to scare any foster parent away!  He has been bounced with visits between bio mom, bio dad (were never allowed to visit together), bio aunt/uncle, us, and other bio-family.  We had a family member stay with us once and her comment was something to the effect of "does all that screaming come from what has been happening to him?"  Ummm...pretty much!  Both he and Michael have very difficult times controlling and processing emotions. 

 

So back to last night...Choo Choo woke up crying (typical for a post-visit night) and then Michael woke up screaming.  For about 30-45 minutes at one point, both were screaming in unison.  Choo Choo was speaking nonsense about ants being on his pillow and Michael just couldn't verbalize anything!  Thank God hubby was there to help.  We'd go back and forth trying to comfort them and settle them down.  Finally, Michael calmed down and slept the rest of the night, but it was an all-night event for Choo Choo :( The whole time I just kept binding the spirits of fear, abandonment, and anger within them.  I called on Jesus and just laid my hands on them and prayed!

 

Learning your child's triggers is key.  I know that Gotcha Days, birthdays, Adoption Days, Mother's/Father's Day and some holidays are going to give us "ramped up" behavior and some of the things that we thought were "taken care of" or healed within them rear their ugly heads once again.  It's important to be prepared (mentally/spiritually/emotionally) to help  your child(ren) deal with these feelings.  Of course this isn't just with our foster kiddos.  Adoption can be just as traumatic and my older boys have lots of the same triggers as well.

 

http://www.ifapa.org/resources/trauma-informed-care.asp  This site (although geared for IA foster parents) has a lot of good links at the bottom that explain trauma and how to help your child. 

 

So as we move toward Christmas and all that is coming up in the next couple of months, say a prayer for our kiddos and us too as we swim though these sometimes muddy waters helping our children heal.  :)

 

 

 

Holidays and birthparents

It's pretty much clockwork...something about the holidays just screams "FAMILY" and that includes biological parents and the children who have been placed for adoption.  In the past 2 days I have heard from 2 of the 4 bio-parents.  The other 2 are well...1 is unknown (international adoption) and the other no longer have our contact info by their choice.

Our first son's bio-parents are very loving toward our family and commend and thank us pretty much in every email for the past 9+ yrs that we are amazing parents and we are giving our children (especially their bio-child) a wonderful life.  I of course updated them and sent a slew of pictures :)  They are special because they love ALL our kids...not just Andrew! 

Michael's birth mom (if you have followed this blog for that long) has had a rollercoaster ride of a life.  We do not have the same relationship with her as we do with Andrew's bio-parents.  We limit contact with her to email/snail mail.   She recently finally stopped signing her emails "Mommy loves you!"  Michael was adopted close to 3 years ago.  In her eyes of course she will always be his mommy.  In her most recent email she asked me if we still show him the pictures she sends and if he remembers her. 

Here is where it got a bit slippery for me...."A" has some mental health issues and when she is on her meds things are great and she is able to think straight.  When she is not....well....let's just say she can be really mean.  So....to answer her questions I told her of course I still show him pictures from time to time.  She recently sent pics of Michael's full bio-brother and  Michael's comment was "look it's me when I was a baby!"  Yes, they look VERY much alike.  Their bio-sister (in between them) looks like a female Michael too!!  I told her that we call her his "tummy mommy" and he knows her name.  I then said that he was very young when she left and I don't think he has any real memories of her, but I added "maybe as he gets older some memories will surface." 

I awaited the response....I would be able to tell if she was on her meds or not by her response.  I was pleasantly surprised when I read that she was so excited that we shared the pictures and to tell him that his "tummy mommy" loves him and misses him.  She thanked me for the pictures I sent as well and said she hopes that one day he will remember his blood family.  WHEW!  Meds to the rescue!  She also mentioned that she frequently reads the Bible that we sent her last Christmas :)  That part warmed my heart! 

Being an adoptive parent isn't always easy.  We have to do things as parents that most don't even dream about having to tackle.  Just to sit down and think about bio-siblings (I *think* that altogether there are at least 13 that I know about in 2 countries and 5 states) can be overwhelming!  Communicating with bio-families can be tricky and also a huge blessing!  It's just a different road :)  I am blessed beyond measure to be an adoptive and foster parent.  It's not always easy, but it's SO worth it!!!

Tired of waiting so....

It's funny how several things now  in this foster care journey with Choo Choo over the past year have been "oh I'll wait until we have a decision."  First, I wanted to wait on the paci.  I thought it was a comfort item for him and good to have with all the back and forth.  Finally he bit a hole in the last one and that was it!  Okay..no more waiting.  Time to get rid of paci!  He's done fine without it and the transition was easier than I expected.

Next came potty training.  This was one area that I didn't want to put a lot of hard work into and then have him regress with  "the" possible decision and again with all the back and forth and inconsistency with aunt/uncle I wasn't going to push it till we knew for sure where he would be living.  Well, smack my forehead...he trained himself several months back and other than an accident to clean up now and again he's doing great!  He even stays dry at naps/nighttime :)

Last week we approached our latest crossroad.  The crib!  He has been fully able to climb out of his crib for a long time, but never did unless I told him to get up (like in the morning).  It was working well for me, except that he is getting so tall and really is outgrowing it.  He likes to turn side-ways in it so he was super cramped and I was getting sick of waking up at 2am to him wailing because his leg was caught.  Yesterday I decided that it was time to put the mattress on the floor and start the transition to a big boy bed! 

I was very nervous as I laid him down to bed last night because he and Michael can be very troublesome together.  They love to stay up and talk to each other so I naturally thought that Choo Choo would get up and play with Michael.  I WAS WRONG!  :)  I happily say those words!  I think it was too dark and he was afraid to get out  of the bed so within minutes he was fast asleep!!  I am not sure this will continue once he gets comfortable, but I am sure praying it does!

At naptime today he didn't want to sleep in the pack-n-play for nap (they must be split up in daylight!)...he wanted his bed!  He laid down more peacefully than he has in a long time and went right to sleep.  THANK YOU JESUS!

Each step I was 'afraid' or had reservations, but with each step it was done with total ease :)  If/When he becomes our son I sure hope this trend continues!!! 

35 days till court.....not like I'm counting or anything!!!

One step forward...another step back

So.....I FINALLY got a court date about 1 1/2 weeks ago!  It was all set for December 10th.  The GAL sent me the email and I was waiting to see how long it would take for the CM to tell me.  On Monday, over  a week later I decided to text her.  She said that although we had a hearing set for Dec. 10th, the judge and state met and the judge decided to postpone it until Jan. 2nd!!!!!!!!!!!!

We have been waiting for a court date for almost 3 months.  Now, by the time it happens it will be over 4 months.  NOTHING has changed in this case since September (when the bonding assessment was completed) and I have NO idea why the judge wants to postpone this AGAIN.

I posted this info on FB yesterday and I got lots of comments like "well at least you have him for Christmas."  Now, I LOVE everyone who commented, but I have to admit that I did not accept some comments in the manner in which I am sure they were intended.  After getting the news of yet another delay I was in pure flesh mode!  I was angry for my boy who doesn't deserve to be a foster child not one second longer when there have been 2 possible adoptive placements for TWO YEARS!!  I was angry that my family has to continue with the "what if" game.  I was even angry for the aunt/uncle whom this is not fair to either. I wanted someone to get angry with me!  (ok...a few of did with me. Thx! :) ).  It's just so clear that permanency isn't the goal (and the child the priority) or this would have been settled a LONG time ago!!  Unless you have personally endured the ups and downs of foster care I don't think one can truly understand.  We have raised this child for (almost) 3 years, seen so many firsts, stayed up nights, kissed every boo-boo, endured anger/rages because of emotional insecurity after visits, laughed as he entertained us with his antics, and the list goes on. Each and every day, week, month and year that passes is so hard on him, us, and our entire family....not knowing.   So yesterday's delay was just one.more.thing. 

After having an absolutely rotten day yesterday because of children who are sick/just plain grumpy, this news and few other things going on, I just wanted to sulk.  THANK GOD for friends, family, and other encouragers sent to me yesterday to get me out of my funk.  Today I awoke with His mercies ever new and I am grateful that I serve a God who still loves me even though I still have my adult-sized temper tantrums here and there. 

SO...January 2nd will make exactly THIRTY-FIVE MONTHS in foster care.  NO child deserves to be the system this long.  Think about that....where were you in your life 35 months ago.  How much has changed?  A LOT has changed for us! I know God's timing is best, but sometimes it's just so hard to accept.  I am praising God that He loves Choo Choo even more than we do, He placed him in a safe family that loves him through the good, bad, and downright ugly, as well as extended family who love him too.

"Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself.  Each day has enough trouble of its own." Matthew 6:34 

I have to admit that this Christmas season already seems "tainted."  That I won't be "full-on" in Christmas cheer knowing that this court date is on the other side, but am really going to try to be positive and not let what "could be" crowd out "what is." 

Funny

I was brushing my teeth today and Choo Choo walks in and starts rummaging through my makeup drawer.  He picked up a eyeliner pencil and said "Mom, will you color my eyeballs?!!"  LOL! 

I got a text early this morning and only two people text me that early...my mother and the case manager!  I got a hopeful feeling that this was *it* but was sadly disappointed when it read "we are still awaiting a court date.  When can I come see {Choo Choo}?"  :(

My sister has been sending me pictures and brief updates of the weeks of "stuff" I've been missing on Facebook.  At the rate this case is going I think I will have to spend a week just catching up on all my favorite people's pages!  Being a SAHM, sometimes FB is that way of staying sane on crazy days and connected to other adults.  I will admit I fully miss that part, but a piece of me is actually quite content not hopping on "just to see what everyone is up to."  It has been a couple of weeks now and it's somewhat freeing as well :)  So...if you have sent me a message, posted on my wall, or expected a comment from me, I will try to get back with you whenever I get back on....OR....feel free to email me and I'll get back with you much sooner! 

STILL nothing :(

So I decided 2 weeks ago that I would fast (from FB) and pray (MORE) for a court date for Choo Choo.  This is NUTS!  We are going on week 3....the ONLY thing that has happened is that a week ago Friday (Oct 26th) the bonding assessment was FILED (yes 2 months after being completed) to the court.  I was fully expecting a court date last week.  It MUST happen this week right??????

Choo Choo went on a visit to aunt/uncle this past weekend.  Each time it is getting harder and harder.  He's getting older and understands more.  I am seeing the anger come through more and when I drop him off he's not crying, but he keeps asking "you gonna come get me right Momma?"  Ahhhh......

God's timing....God's will.....God's way......that's my mantra!  In the meantime we will continue to love on this boy :)