Friday, April 4, 2014


Last week I found out I had a homeschooling event with my boys in the same city that Choo Choo lives in now (about 45 min from away) and so I thought it would be a great opportunity to meet with aunt/uncle/choo choo since they wouldn't have to drive anywhere and I could just give him his gifts/lifebook.  I waited and waited and never heard anything back from either of them :( 

I honestly need closure and I need to stop "hanging my hat" on every promise of a visit.  I contacted Choo Choo's therapist (who also lives in that city) and she met me this morning and she is going to pass the things along to him.  She said she'd Skype with me as he opened the gifts (early next week) so he would make the connection that these things are from us (and not her) ;) 

So....his things are with him (or will be very soon) and I feel like the ball is in their court.  If all the promises and nice words are true then they will contact me.  If not, then I feel horrible for Choo Choo and sad that he could have had a better transition, but I have to let go.  I can't keep doing this to myself or my kids.  He is gone.  He is out of our control.  They have no legal obligation to contact us ever again. Of course I pray that's not the case and perhaps they are just trying to find their new normal as well.  I guess only time will tell......

At the homeschooling event I met another foster mom who is starting the reunification process with their first placement.  She has what I desire to see in foster care.  A mom who worked really hard to get her baby back.  A mentoring relationship between foster mom and bio mom and continued contact desired post-reunification.  As I told her our story we both shed a few tears knowing the opposite extreme. 

I think we are getting close to opening our home again.  The Band-Aid has been ripped off.  He's gone.  We are establishing what our family looks like without him, but it still hurts.  I see his picture and it hurts. I was going through old voicemails and found one where he says "Hello?  Hello Mommy?  You there?" and I broke into tears hearing his sweet voice again.  He is my baby.  He ALWAYS will be.  There is a part of my heart that has been forever changed by that sweet, amazing, beautiful little boy.  A part that still bleeds some.  The scar is forming though and I don't regret that scar one bit.  It is a reminder how God used my family to make an eternal impact on the life of one child. 


Ashley D said...

Amen! I know you don't know me yet, but I am another Foster Mom. I live in Maine. ChooChoo will always be Your Son. No one can take that away. We end up with patchwork hears made of scars, pictures, artwork, and memories. Our first foster placement passed away and I will forever consider her out daughter. We adopted our second placement and our third placement, lil man, is facing either reunification or kin placement. We will soon experience for the first time what Foster Care really means. I pray it is not as painful of a heartbreak as burring our angel, but I do believe God is using our family to make an eternal difference in the lives of these kiddos AND their families.

MamaFoster said...

It will get easier. You will always love him. And it may take a while, but I don't believe they will totally cut you out of his life. I waited eight months to hear from Savannah's mom.