It's been 1 week and 2 days since our sweet Choo Choo left. From Wed-Sunday of the first week I wasn't myself. It was hard to think of anything except him. My mom, sister and her two kids had been here from Mon-Fri and it was Sat. night that it all hit me. Everyone else went to bed and I was up, bawling and looking at his sweet face through the tons of pictures we had taken the past 3 years. It was very cathartic and healing to be able to just let it all out. Sunday evening another wave hit as I realized that I didn't get to go pick my baby up :(
Monday morning my spirits were lifted as a phone call came...it was Choo Choo!!!! He didn't have a lot to say, but when I talked to Uncle he commented that just minutes before I texted (to see how he was doing because it was killing me) he said that Choo Choo asked several times for Uncle to take him to my house now. This week was his first full week at daycare....what an adjustment this little boy has had to make!
Monday we started our new normal! It was back to homeschooling, exercising and eating right! Boy that long transition and crazy schedule for over 2 months was not good for any of those things listed above! It feels good to get back into a regular routine.
Tues we got a call from placement saying that they knew we were on a break, but were wondering if we could take a 1 yr old. At that point we weren't even a week out from saying goodbye to someone of 3 years. We just weren't ready yet, so we said no :( Even though Choo Choo's goodbye is still fresh it wasn't easy to tell her no.
Wed (this week) I was out on a boat ride with the other boys when I got a text from Aunt. It had two pictures of Choo Choo! Unless you have experienced this type of loss, I don't think you can truly understand what that means to a mommy/daddy! It brings so much peace knowing he is happy!
We are definitely on the road to healing, but I am looking back over the past week+ and now that I have been through it, I want to do more for families with children coming and going. Our neighbor brought us a meal which was just what a needed Sun night and my sister sent me a huge thing of chocolates which are delicious, and we received one card. Lots of FB messages have been nice to receive. I'm not sure if people just don't know what to say, are afraid I'll break into a crying mess, or just don't care???? If you are thinking/praying for someone....let them know. Make it personal! Call them on the phone and speak to them. Personally, the very first week I didn't want to cook at all. Give families a gift card for eating out or bring them a meal. Invite them out for coffee to chat. Offer to watch their kids for free so they can have a date night. Ya'll...if you can't foster, then support those who are. It's a hard road and we battle places of brokenness and sadness that most will never be able to imagine. Don't wait for someone else to fill a need for an adoptive/foster family....be the hands and feet of Jesus and DO IT! Ok...I'll get off my soapbox....I guess expectations (which I shouldn't carry...I know!) failed me. Thank God for his peace and presence here during this time!
I am really surprised (but I shouldn't be) how much God's grace has just covered us this whole time. Hubby and I are doing very well considering and the kids have been doing pretty well too. They talk about him and we look at pictures and reminisce about memories. There hasn't been the bad behavior/tantrums that I expected so that is amazing. Today was a really rough day however and I'm not quite sure I have an answer for that....it could be Choo Choo's leaving or something totally unrelated. They all were sensory messes, so I had them doing lots of sensory activities. The OT said that emotions and emotional situations can heighten the sensory system, so deep breathes and one day at a time :)
This morning Uncle texted me for information which is all in his yellow folder (which gets sent with a child from placement to placement with all their pertinent info). I told him it was all in there and he said he'd have Choo Choo call me after school today. Will it happen? I don't know and I can't hang my hat and depend on anything he says, but it's awesome knowing that there will be continued contact between our families and Choo Choo is doing well :)