Our final goodbye

This past week has been very hard for our family.  As we entered this week we believed we'd officially transition Choo Choo from our home to Aunt/Uncle's on Wednesday and then  have a "final goodbye" picnic/party with them and some other family members on Saturday. 

Monday evening my mom, sister and her kids arrived for a visit with us and to say goodbye to Choo Choo one more time.  They live nearly 1400 miles away, so this was a special visit.  We spent lots of time together Tues/Wed.  Wednesday morning I started to prep Choo Choo for our final goodbye and that this time he wouldn't be coming back.  He *knew* but just didn't want to believe it.  He had a major meltdown that morning and I just took him my room (hubby was already in there) and as Choo Choo screamed I just held and rocked him and told him it all was going to be ok.  Tears started to flow down my cheeks...I just couldn't hold  it back anymore.  Hubby came to hug us both and Choo Choo calmed down a bit.  He went back and forth between us.  He'd hug and cuddle one and then go to the other.  He did this for quite awhile and we all just grieved together. 

We spent the rest of the day, until drop off, at the Aquarium having some more fun together and creating those last memories.  It came time to leave and Choo Choo kept saying he wanted a snack.  I told him I didn't have any and he kept asking "can we go home?"  Ahhhh.....that was one hard car ride to meet his Uncle.  He ended up falling asleep 10 min. before we got there :(  Those naps are not good under normal circumstances! lol!

We pulled into the parking lot and everyone got out of the car to say their goodbyes.  Lots of hugs and kisses.  Choo Choo was so confused and kept walking back and forth from our family to Uncles trying to comprehend what was happening to him.  This broke my heart.  He was just so sad :( 
We finally ended our time together with promises to see him on Saturday with presents and treats.

Thursday evening I got a text from Uncle cancelling the party (with no reason) and saying maybe we can get together for an egg hunt next month.  Clearly, Uncle did not realize what this meant to us and that it wasn't just a nice get together.  This meant closure for Choo Choo and closure for our family (our kids!)  We've been talking about this for awhile  now and everyone was looking so forward to it. 

It's been 3 years of this type of behavior.  He says all the right things and makes promises to do things with absolutely no follow through.  I SO wanted to believe that after transition things would change.  They haven't.  He promised Choo Choo they would call before bed on Wed night...they didn't (not the first time).  He promised the party...not happening.  He has talked about get-togethers and overnight visits.  Emotionally I just have to set it all aside and I can't keep hoping for things to happen.  I have to trust that God's got this and I (we) have to start healing from this tremendous loss in our lives.  When/If God has a plan for us to be in his life (in whatever way) then He will make that happen. 

How are we doing?  It hurts...it hurts really bad :(  I already miss him so much.  With time and God's grace I know things will get better though.  I pray that God gives me an opportunity to give him his lifebook and gifts that I had not sent because I wanted to give them to him at the party.  We need that closure and it will mean so much more coming from us rather sending them in the mail.  Although, if mail is the only option then at least he would have them. 

My visiting family left today....I am feeling super emotional and not at all like cooking, so take out it is!  Praying for a better day tomorrow!