22 I will give him the key to the house of David—the highest position in the royal court. When he opens doors, no one will be able to close them; when he closes doors, no one will be able to open them. 23 He will bring honor to his family name, for I will drive him firmly in place like a nail in the wall."
My sister posted this passage on my FB wall a day or so before court happened. The day before she posted, Choo Choo saw a key in a windowsill. A key that has pretty much been there since the day we moved in (extra copy) 2 years ago. He never noticed it or asked for it until that day. He carried it around and NO ONE could even touch HIS key. I was praying it was significant to the results of court. As we all know, it wasn't that day. My father's name is also David :)
He loves this key and walks around with it in his pocket most days. I plan to get a special key chain for it and send it with him on his final day. Aunt/Uncle will just think it's a toy key, but we will know better. It will represent that he is a member of this family (members of families have keys) and our door will always be able to be opened by him! Papers will say he belongs to another family and so does blood, but in all our hearts he belongs to this house.
Sharing the life experience of becoming foster parents to the least of these!
Thursday, January 9, 2014
Sunday, January 5, 2014
Nothing Is Wasted
"In sorrow we have tasted, but joy will replace it."
Church today was beautiful and difficult all at the same time. This being our last weekend with Choo Choo made this his last Sunday with the people who have helped to lead him toward God and sweet little friends. I took a few pictures and many, many friends gave me hugs, "I love you's" and sweet words of encouragement. Thank you church family! I cried more than I expected to but that's ok...God caught each one and those are just more seeds to eventually bloom :)
I have already gotten the inevitable question of "will you continue to foster?" YES! The hurt is REAL, but I tell you with great certainty that this heartbreak has spurred both hubby and myself into wanting to help another child. "Are you nuts? You want to go through this again?" Awhile ago we both said "we need a LONG break after this case has ended (one way or another)." We were obedient to God's call to foster and just because His plans didn't line up with ours, that shouldn't make us any less obedient. We will take a short break and heal a bit and then we definitely will jump back into the crazy land of foster care because the need in our county is so great. If we say that we don't want to get hurt again, are we fulfilling God's mandate? No, we are just being selfish. These children did not ASK to be in foster care and they need a loving and caring home to go to. When it is in our ability to provide for another child....what excuse possibly could be good enough to not help them??? God's grace will always be sufficient!
Ya know what I want to see??? I want to have a case where we as foster parents get to come along side birthparents who realize they made a mistake and do EVERYTHING possible to get their child back. I want to see a court system who doesn't fail a child. I want to help birthparents and honor them. (AWESOME message on this at church this morning by John Bevere....buy the book!)
I don't know what God's plans are for Choo Choo, but I know they are GOOD! As we were eating lunch today I just looked into my sweet boy's face and said "do you know how much you are loved?" His response was priceless...."God loves me!!!" Oh sweet boy....you are not making this goodbye process any easier by being the sweetest thing on earth!
Friday, January 3, 2014
A bit more....
Our atty asked me in questioning about the whole Permanent Guardianship thing. I told her that when asked we were not open to it (after speaking to others and a lawyer) because we wanted to give him the same status as all of our other children. We want him to share the same last name as all of our other children. We want a sense of normalcy for him. PG would make him different from our other kids. He deserves ADOPTION!
In the judges closing remarks she said that in all her years on the bench she's never heard a foster parent say that....how gracious of us. UGH! That makes me angry and I'm wondering how every other foster parent has answered! EVERY child deserves PERMANENCY!!!!!!!!! This system is so broken and misguided!
I'm not going to go off on any rants right now because the emotions are still too raw, but.....things must change!
Several sweet family members/friends have posted on their FB pages about us and we appreciate all the calls/texts and messages! It breaks my heart though to hear that our story is discouraging other people from pursuing foster care. Is there sadness today? YES! Is there sheer heartbreak? YES!!!
Was it worth it?? YYYYYYEEEEEEEEEEESSSSSSSSSSS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
We have NO regrets about welcoming in, loving and caring for our son. Yes, to us he will ALWAYS be our son! God call us to a life of obedience NOT ease and comfort. If you are comfortable in life then you probably are not being open and obedient to Him. Choo Choo is my offering back to God. We sacrificed so much over the past three years, but it wasn't for Choo Choo....we sacrificed for God. Choo Choo is HIS. As much as we love him, God loves him more and His ways are not our ways.
PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE do not get "turned off" to foster care because you might have to sacrifice and hurt. Do it for God and nothing will return void.
In the judges closing remarks she said that in all her years on the bench she's never heard a foster parent say that....how gracious of us. UGH! That makes me angry and I'm wondering how every other foster parent has answered! EVERY child deserves PERMANENCY!!!!!!!!! This system is so broken and misguided!
I'm not going to go off on any rants right now because the emotions are still too raw, but.....things must change!
Several sweet family members/friends have posted on their FB pages about us and we appreciate all the calls/texts and messages! It breaks my heart though to hear that our story is discouraging other people from pursuing foster care. Is there sadness today? YES! Is there sheer heartbreak? YES!!!
Was it worth it?? YYYYYYEEEEEEEEEEESSSSSSSSSSS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
We have NO regrets about welcoming in, loving and caring for our son. Yes, to us he will ALWAYS be our son! God call us to a life of obedience NOT ease and comfort. If you are comfortable in life then you probably are not being open and obedient to Him. Choo Choo is my offering back to God. We sacrificed so much over the past three years, but it wasn't for Choo Choo....we sacrificed for God. Choo Choo is HIS. As much as we love him, God loves him more and His ways are not our ways.
PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE do not get "turned off" to foster care because you might have to sacrifice and hurt. Do it for God and nothing will return void.
Court...the 2nd day
We were the first case to be called as promised yesterday. After we were all sworn in our lawyer said that the GAL would be first to testify, then hubby and finally me. Ahhh...I was all prepared to go first. Oh well. The GAL and hubby testified for only about 5 minutes and then I was called in.
The testimony part actually went really well. I answered all the questions from the heart and the atty seemed very positive that things would go well. On cross examination the first question the state asked me was "When {Choo Choo} arrived at your home you understood the role of a foster parent and that the main goal is reunification?" Whew....I almost went off on her. DUH...of course we understood that....but that was THREE years and lots of drama ago!!! After that we were all brought back in to hear the closing arguments. The State's case rested in them being biological family. Our lawyer made some incredible points and I really thought we had this clinched!
The judge then said that this is the hardest kind of case to rule on. There are 4 people here who love one child very much and she was going to hurt someone very badly. She said these kinds of cases will "stick with her" for many years to come. She then went into the details and it pretty much hinged on the expert testimony that was given yesterday by the psychologist. Her statement was that 3 things are pertinent here...1) attachment (the MOST important) 2) kinship and 3) permanency.
It was almost like a point system here ...home vs. the away team! The Dr. stated that permanency could go either way...point for each of us. Kinship goes to the aunt/uncle obviously...point them. It came down to attachment. I was thinking the whole time that we have this because it's the most important!! The judge then quoted a statement from the Dr.'s report that said that he definitely was more attached to us but due to the bond that is already established with aunt/uncle that a healthy attachment could be formed.
After that she dropped the ball....Choo Choo is going to live with aunt/uncle.
She then went on to say that she wants this to be a slow transition. This poor child will start by seeing them every weekend for a month. The judge said the following is her recommendation but she wants the state to confer with a therapist to determine what will actually happen. Then for the 2nd month he has to go there every weekend and attend daycare 1/2 day every day. This child has never spent one day in daycare. Yep...that must be better! Excuse the cynicism...it's alive and well today! Then the third month is visit every weekend and go to daycare all day 5 days a week. And then finally a full transition. I'm not sure who they think will be driving him to daycare everyday, because it's not going to be me!
While we are grateful it will be gradual for him this is going to be torture for my family and especially my kids. The judge "suggested" the aunt/uncle that they remain in contact with us for Choo Choo's sake, but I have a feeling that simply won't be happening.
I managed to keep it together while in the courtroom, but zipped out quickly and headed for the bathroom. I locked myself in a stall and began to bawl. The lawyer chased me down and as I came out I saw she was bawling herself. She has been fighting for my little boy for 3 years too. Her tears were real and so genuine that I was touched. She said that she knows I am a woman of faith and she is too and that she had spent a lot of time in prayer with Jesus over this case. We cried, we hugged and finally got ourselves together enough to exit the bathroom.
I was in total shock....I couldn't find words. It was a quiet ride home. I'm going to Costco later to buy the super huge thing of tissues. This is gonna be a long 3-4 months. My poor hubby is so sweet....he's going to have a wet shoulder a lot! My tears are not of anger....my tears are of pure and genuine sadness. God has a plan for Choo Choo's life and apparently we are only a small picture in that plan, but I rest in knowing that we have given him a good and firm foundation on which to build. The Lord gave me Job 1:21 about 1.5 months back but I just didn't want to accept it. My heart hoped He meant something else. He didn't.....
Please read this link now....http://www.ourfostercarejourney.blogspot.com/2014/01/a-bit-more.html
The testimony part actually went really well. I answered all the questions from the heart and the atty seemed very positive that things would go well. On cross examination the first question the state asked me was "When {Choo Choo} arrived at your home you understood the role of a foster parent and that the main goal is reunification?" Whew....I almost went off on her. DUH...of course we understood that....but that was THREE years and lots of drama ago!!! After that we were all brought back in to hear the closing arguments. The State's case rested in them being biological family. Our lawyer made some incredible points and I really thought we had this clinched!
The judge then said that this is the hardest kind of case to rule on. There are 4 people here who love one child very much and she was going to hurt someone very badly. She said these kinds of cases will "stick with her" for many years to come. She then went into the details and it pretty much hinged on the expert testimony that was given yesterday by the psychologist. Her statement was that 3 things are pertinent here...1) attachment (the MOST important) 2) kinship and 3) permanency.
It was almost like a point system here ...home vs. the away team! The Dr. stated that permanency could go either way...point for each of us. Kinship goes to the aunt/uncle obviously...point them. It came down to attachment. I was thinking the whole time that we have this because it's the most important!! The judge then quoted a statement from the Dr.'s report that said that he definitely was more attached to us but due to the bond that is already established with aunt/uncle that a healthy attachment could be formed.
After that she dropped the ball....Choo Choo is going to live with aunt/uncle.
She then went on to say that she wants this to be a slow transition. This poor child will start by seeing them every weekend for a month. The judge said the following is her recommendation but she wants the state to confer with a therapist to determine what will actually happen. Then for the 2nd month he has to go there every weekend and attend daycare 1/2 day every day. This child has never spent one day in daycare. Yep...that must be better! Excuse the cynicism...it's alive and well today! Then the third month is visit every weekend and go to daycare all day 5 days a week. And then finally a full transition. I'm not sure who they think will be driving him to daycare everyday, because it's not going to be me!
While we are grateful it will be gradual for him this is going to be torture for my family and especially my kids. The judge "suggested" the aunt/uncle that they remain in contact with us for Choo Choo's sake, but I have a feeling that simply won't be happening.
I managed to keep it together while in the courtroom, but zipped out quickly and headed for the bathroom. I locked myself in a stall and began to bawl. The lawyer chased me down and as I came out I saw she was bawling herself. She has been fighting for my little boy for 3 years too. Her tears were real and so genuine that I was touched. She said that she knows I am a woman of faith and she is too and that she had spent a lot of time in prayer with Jesus over this case. We cried, we hugged and finally got ourselves together enough to exit the bathroom.
I was in total shock....I couldn't find words. It was a quiet ride home. I'm going to Costco later to buy the super huge thing of tissues. This is gonna be a long 3-4 months. My poor hubby is so sweet....he's going to have a wet shoulder a lot! My tears are not of anger....my tears are of pure and genuine sadness. God has a plan for Choo Choo's life and apparently we are only a small picture in that plan, but I rest in knowing that we have given him a good and firm foundation on which to build. The Lord gave me Job 1:21 about 1.5 months back but I just didn't want to accept it. My heart hoped He meant something else. He didn't.....
Please read this link now....http://www.ourfostercarejourney.blogspot.com/2014/01/a-bit-more.html
Thursday, January 2, 2014
Court......
was continued!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Can you even believe it???????????
We got there at 9 followed shortly by everyone else. We waited and waited. 9:45 rolls around and the lawyer says that the judge isn't even there. There was one case to be called ahead of us and that got called around 10:15.
We were next. We all made our appearances and found out that the judge was at an emergency dentist appointment due to a cracked molar and that is why she was late. The proceedings started with the state invoking the "rule of sequestry" (sp?) which basically means that no one can listen to anyone else's testimony and once you have testified you cannot talk about it to anyone.
Aunt was called first and was in the room for about 1/2 hr. Then there was a long break where no one was called and I think that is when the CM was testifying. Then Dr. B the psychologist was called in and she wasn't in there as long. When she came out she said I was next. Deep breathes.....
5 minutes later all the players came out of the courtroom and said we are continuing till tomorrow morning at 9am. WHAT??????? The judge had a full docket this afternoon and couldn't continue. She has 13 cases to hear tomorrow so she will be motivated to move us quickly. We were told when we got there today not to expect a decision for 2-3 weeks. BUT...because God is merciful the judge said that she would give her decision tomorrow. WHEW!!!!!!!!
During our nearly 3 hour wait we had nice conversations with aunt/uncle. As hubby and I walked back to the car all in shock that we have to do this all over tomorrow, we commented that even if he does leave at least he's not being given to people who are going to jeopardize his healthy or safety. They do really love him. My oh my has God done a work our my hearts over the past 3 yrs!
So...another sleepless night and I am scrambling to find a sitter and hubby has to get off work again!
We got there at 9 followed shortly by everyone else. We waited and waited. 9:45 rolls around and the lawyer says that the judge isn't even there. There was one case to be called ahead of us and that got called around 10:15.
We were next. We all made our appearances and found out that the judge was at an emergency dentist appointment due to a cracked molar and that is why she was late. The proceedings started with the state invoking the "rule of sequestry" (sp?) which basically means that no one can listen to anyone else's testimony and once you have testified you cannot talk about it to anyone.
Aunt was called first and was in the room for about 1/2 hr. Then there was a long break where no one was called and I think that is when the CM was testifying. Then Dr. B the psychologist was called in and she wasn't in there as long. When she came out she said I was next. Deep breathes.....
5 minutes later all the players came out of the courtroom and said we are continuing till tomorrow morning at 9am. WHAT??????? The judge had a full docket this afternoon and couldn't continue. She has 13 cases to hear tomorrow so she will be motivated to move us quickly. We were told when we got there today not to expect a decision for 2-3 weeks. BUT...because God is merciful the judge said that she would give her decision tomorrow. WHEW!!!!!!!!
During our nearly 3 hour wait we had nice conversations with aunt/uncle. As hubby and I walked back to the car all in shock that we have to do this all over tomorrow, we commented that even if he does leave at least he's not being given to people who are going to jeopardize his healthy or safety. They do really love him. My oh my has God done a work our my hearts over the past 3 yrs!
So...another sleepless night and I am scrambling to find a sitter and hubby has to get off work again!
Tuesday, December 31, 2013
The close of 2013
So we've come to the close of yet another year. For some reason they seem to keep going faster and faster! It seems like yesterday my oldest was just born! Uuummm..yeah that was close to TEN years ago! lol!
This year has brought a lot of "troubles" and circumstances that were very difficult for our family. Along with all the drama that foster care has brought our family, my sister was diagnosed with cancer and not given much hope of living. We had difficult things with our children too. BUT GOD....gave us His grace and mercy in each and every situation we faced. We have been given peace in all things...not like the world perceives peace, but how HE describes peace. My sister was deemed NED (No Evidence of Disease) on October 4th (Praise God!), Choo Choo's case is coming to a close (in TWO DAYS!!) and God has brought the right people into our lives to walk through all of it! :)
The other night when I picked up Choo Choo from his visit it was his Aunt who dropped him off. This is a rare occurrence. I knew she wanted to talk as it was the last visit before court. I prepared myself as much as I could while we exchanged pleasantries about his visit. Then it came "So...D-Day is almost here!" I cringed a bit wondering where she was going to go with that statement. I am so thankful to say that she and I are on the same page. I talked about how God has used the insane length of this case to bring me to a place of peace. All my (human/fleshy) feelings of distaste towards them is gone. Will we ever be best friends? Nope...but we don't have to be. I would miss my boy like CrAzY (!!!) but I know he would be in a place of people who love him and care about him, and will keep him safe.
She went on and was very complimentary to hubby and I. She said that of course they want him, but if they couldn't have him that they were glad he was with us. He is safe, well taken care and taught well. She said that no matter where they go everyone comments on how smart he is and she gave a lot of that credit to me staying home with him. I was very surprised and blessed :)
Court has yo-yo'ed from 9am to 1:30pm and now back to 9am! I am thankful that it's early so I don't have to be a anxious pacing mama all morning! As we close 2013 I look forward to all that 2014 has in store for our family!!! Of course we are praying that it includes the adoption of our 4th son!!! :)
This year has brought a lot of "troubles" and circumstances that were very difficult for our family. Along with all the drama that foster care has brought our family, my sister was diagnosed with cancer and not given much hope of living. We had difficult things with our children too. BUT GOD....gave us His grace and mercy in each and every situation we faced. We have been given peace in all things...not like the world perceives peace, but how HE describes peace. My sister was deemed NED (No Evidence of Disease) on October 4th (Praise God!), Choo Choo's case is coming to a close (in TWO DAYS!!) and God has brought the right people into our lives to walk through all of it! :)
The other night when I picked up Choo Choo from his visit it was his Aunt who dropped him off. This is a rare occurrence. I knew she wanted to talk as it was the last visit before court. I prepared myself as much as I could while we exchanged pleasantries about his visit. Then it came "So...D-Day is almost here!" I cringed a bit wondering where she was going to go with that statement. I am so thankful to say that she and I are on the same page. I talked about how God has used the insane length of this case to bring me to a place of peace. All my (human/fleshy) feelings of distaste towards them is gone. Will we ever be best friends? Nope...but we don't have to be. I would miss my boy like CrAzY (!!!) but I know he would be in a place of people who love him and care about him, and will keep him safe.
She went on and was very complimentary to hubby and I. She said that of course they want him, but if they couldn't have him that they were glad he was with us. He is safe, well taken care and taught well. She said that no matter where they go everyone comments on how smart he is and she gave a lot of that credit to me staying home with him. I was very surprised and blessed :)
Court has yo-yo'ed from 9am to 1:30pm and now back to 9am! I am thankful that it's early so I don't have to be a anxious pacing mama all morning! As we close 2013 I look forward to all that 2014 has in store for our family!!! Of course we are praying that it includes the adoption of our 4th son!!! :)
Monday, December 2, 2013
Trauma and how it shows up here
Yesterday we "celebrated" the event surrounding this picture. Here you see 5 month old Michael and his new foster brothers. Of course this was 4 years ago and this picture almost seems impossible! Never did we imagine that 2 years later he would officially be ours :)
While we celebrate this day he joined our family, this day is also very traumatic. Many people think that children (especially young infants) do not experience trauma in the same way that older children do. Perhaps in part this is true, but infants can and DO experience trauma and it can effect them greatly! This was the day he was taken away from everyone he ever knew. He was taken from familiar smells and places and put somewhere totally new with other little people running around. Can you imagine what these little ones going through foster care go through? Stop and take a minute to truly visualize what happens to them.
Young children who experience trauma are at particular risk because their rapidly developing brains are very vulnerable. Early childhood trauma has been associated with reduced size of the brain cortex which is responsible for many complex functions including memory, attention, perceptual awareness, thinking, language, and consciousness. These changes may affect IQ and the ability to regulate emotions.
When something scary happens, the brain makes sure you do not forget it. Traumatic events are remembered in a special way. They are often experienced as a pattern of sensations with sounds, smells, and feelings mixed together. Any one of these things can make a child feel like the whole event is happening again. These things or sensations are called “triggers.” Triggers can be smells or sounds. They can be places, postures, or tones of voice. Even emotions can be a trigger.
Parenting After Trauma: Understanding Your Child's Needs - A Guide for Foster and Adoptive Parents
So for Michael yesterday, there were things happening within him that he had no idea were going on. He couldn't control his behavior at all yesterday. He has this laugh...it's not his sweet normal Mikey laugh. I hate hearing *that* laugh because it means he is dysregulated. He can't control himself. Last night proved to be almost as bad as the day. All night long he cried off and on. At one point (I'll go into more detail in a minute) both he and Choo Choo were screaming at the top of their lungs and just couldn't calm themselves or let themselves be calmed.
Remembering a traumatic event can cause some of the original “fight, flight, or freeze” reaction to return. This might look like a “tantrum.” It might also look like the child is overreacting. Sometimes anxiety can cause a child to “freeze.” This may look like defiance. A child who sees the world as a place full of danger may do this. Many children who have been abused or neglected go through life always ready to flee or to fight
Parenting After Trauma: Understanding Your Child's Needs - A Guide for Foster and Adoptive Parents
Yesterday evening Choo Choo also returned from his weekend visit. We've had him since 3 days old, but trauma is very present in his life too. The things that happened in utero are enough to scare any foster parent away! He has been bounced with visits between bio mom, bio dad (were never allowed to visit together), bio aunt/uncle, us, and other bio-family. We had a family member stay with us once and her comment was something to the effect of "does all that screaming come from what has been happening to him?" Ummm...pretty much! Both he and Michael have very difficult times controlling and processing emotions.
So back to last night...Choo Choo woke up crying (typical for a post-visit night) and then Michael woke up screaming. For about 30-45 minutes at one point, both were screaming in unison. Choo Choo was speaking nonsense about ants being on his pillow and Michael just couldn't verbalize anything! Thank God hubby was there to help. We'd go back and forth trying to comfort them and settle them down. Finally, Michael calmed down and slept the rest of the night, but it was an all-night event for Choo Choo :( The whole time I just kept binding the spirits of fear, abandonment, and anger within them. I called on Jesus and just laid my hands on them and prayed!
Learning your child's triggers is key. I know that Gotcha Days, birthdays, Adoption Days, Mother's/Father's Day and some holidays are going to give us "ramped up" behavior and some of the things that we thought were "taken care of" or healed within them rear their ugly heads once again. It's important to be prepared (mentally/spiritually/emotionally) to help your child(ren) deal with these feelings. Of course this isn't just with our foster kiddos. Adoption can be just as traumatic and my older boys have lots of the same triggers as well.
http://www.ifapa.org/resources/trauma-informed-care.asp This site (although geared for IA foster parents) has a lot of good links at the bottom that explain trauma and how to help your child.
So as we move toward Christmas and all that is coming up in the next couple of months, say a prayer for our kiddos and us too as we swim though these sometimes muddy waters helping our children heal. :)
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