Tuesday, April 3, 2012


Ya know...it certainly hasn't been deemed "over" and no judge has said "we are moving baby" but at the same time I feel like I need to start the grieving process and give myself time to slowly let him go. I guess after yesterday's meeting I just "know" that baby will most likely be leaving us. The chances are slim (although I know God can change that!) that he would stay here and I feel like I almost need to grieve some now so that I can be stronger for my kids when the actual day comes.

Last night hubby was fast asleep in bed and all I could do was think about the last 14 months of Baby's life. ALL that we have experienced with him...the awesome things like first smile, learning to sit/walk, all the feeding fun, etc. and then the icky stuff like longs nights, getting puked on a lot, and of course our hospital stay. Tears flowed on my pillow as I thought of all these things. They may be able to take my baby away from me , but those are always things that I will hold in my Mama heart...those can never be taken from me.

A friend of mine could be going through a similar situation very soon as well. We have both talked about how even though this is hurting us we think more about our babies. Will they feel abandoned? We hurt for their hurting hearts knowing that those on the other end simply do understand what these children will be going through.

I think I will start to pour through our tons of pictures of the last 14 months and put together a nice book so he can always have a piece of us with him and always remember the place where it all began. Hubby and I have talked a bit and shared and cried! The next 2 months + will be gut wrenching. Can we do it? Will we do it all over again? YES! God is faithful and his grace will be enough to put us back together again and say yes to the next little one who needs us!


"Are These Kids All Yours?" said...

I talked with Jason last night and shared your post. We both prayed for you!!! Know that we will continue to pray with you and for you. For baby and your family.


Aspiring Foster Mama said...

I'm in the same situation with 2 of my foster children right now. So thankful that we serve a God of comfort and restoration! Our faith will be strengthened and we will be blessed by new children who need our love. Praying for you sister.

Cheri said...

Can I make a suggestion? Put together two books for baby. Give him one now, and save one to give him in the future, when he's grown, if you are able. I just heard a voice calling me, letting me know that baby may not get to hold his book with him forever - that it may get "lost". Do that for him, so if he comes and asks questions down the road, you have that missing piece to give him... Covering all of you in prayer, including Baby's bio family

Our Journey said...

Thank you Cheri. Actually I was going to make two books so we would always have a nice compilation of his photos as well :) Unfortunately I have no doubt that the book won't be shown to him often...perhaps "lost" as you say, but I think that it will be healthy for me as I grieve as much as it will be hopefully for him (if they show it to him).

The CM came today for her monthly visit and told me she is trying to get a sooner court date that 6/6. Twist the knife a little more! She asked if we would be interested in visits, etc when baby leaves. Ummm.. YES! Unfortunately that is wishful thinking. I have no confidence that they would follow through with that, but it would be nice!

Laura said...

My heart breaks for you! I'm going through the process of preparing my sweet 17 month old son to return to his Mom and my Mama heart is breaking. It just doesn't seem right and seems to be happening so quickly. No way around it - saying good bye just stinks!

Mie said...

I completely understand these feelings. Oh how it can be so painful to have no choice over things and be left wondering what kind of impact it will have on your babies. We will pray for you.